I didn’t feel like myself…
It’s been a while since I felt like myself. I didn’t know I went away. I just knew I didn’t feel like myself. I would dressing up like myself because that’s my clothes but it didn’t quite feel right. I used to dress to express myself that day – shine what I was feeling inside. I began putting on my make up for a result to cover up rather than simply fun and girly expression. I let go of my pretty… And for that, I apologize to myself!
I know when it happened. I know why. I know how. And I didn’t know if it would come back. I had accepted that I changed that day. I was just happy that my confidence and courage had stayed in place, that my life’s work was confirmed. That I could enjoy myself with my man and that I knew myself at my core. But I also knew that a part of me was gone. That part that was safe to be sexy, flirty, high vibing and shiny has been hiding, scared someone else would want her for their own as if a piece of property to manage. The woman in me had unconsciously went into protection mode not to be mistaken again, as to not send the wrong message, or awaken the dragon in the falseness of a lower dimension of man.
I was grateful that I know the higher dimension of men and could grasp and pull to their safe arms and vibes. That I know I need them as I am not as powerful physically and that’s just the beautiful part of being in the masculine and feminine dance. Yet, by hiding my own expression of feminine, under work, casual conversation and weight as to not trigger the devil in some; the devil I’ve triggered since I as young. I have been hiding in a bunker for months now.
I have missed myself, trying to hear her, to connect with her as I get dressed for months wondering if she would come out again. I have avoided my own power and beauty because that’s what he couldn’t have. I avoided my beauty adding on just enough weight to keep the heads from turning at their normal rate. Yet, not enough to look like I’m hiding. The hunger which I thought I could jokingly handle with boundaries and kind clarity once again had crossed the line into
Conforming to stay safe, avoiding, half-assing, and then letting the sadness of being disappointed settle in me. I knew that I was allowing my temple to cross a line and for good reason, that I have been disconnecting with my body while pretending it’s ok. My subconscious trying to keep me safe because the heads always turn and I don’t know who to trust and I don’t want to be a bit^* yet some people no matter how nice don’t hear “I’m not interested.”
I have a public life… Stay safe… Stay sweet… Eat sugar…
In order to end the sugar cravings. It’s important to be sweet on yourself.
That looks different to everyone.
I have a public life, this includes inappropriate comments from men, a f-Ed up email stocker, and that’s the safe stuff. If I talk about the reality of overcoming abuse – yea the power in all your zones but that includes reclaiming your sexuality, especially after sexual abuse. There is a backlash from the public. Assumptions and that can trigger fear. Making it unsafe for us women and men teaching to be sexy.
How can I be safe?
What if we can’t be safe?
What if there are assholes that are triggered by strength, and want to take what they can’t have, that get mad when a woman (or man) says not interested?
What if we can never be safe?
All these what it’s are true just listen to their news, does this fear get the best of you?
NOT ME – abuse sucks, rape sucks, beatings suck, emotional abuse sucks, and those who put us through it are sick. But this is NO reason to hide, to dump down to hide out, cover up, not speak your mind. FEAR NO MORE!
What if the only safety you can truly have is the one you give yourself. To honor all of your power zones. To know yourself. To stop fighting and simply live your truth.
In truth, I don’t fit in. I’ve always been on the outside looking in. I’ve always eluded sexuality it must have started in the womb, I’ve always been sensitive (ie intuitive/empathic) and compassionate. I hate hurting people’s feelings (relatable). But sometimes it’s best to be yourself and best to let others down with a thud – crash burn.
Today! I am feeling the sugar coating begin to melt off all my power zones – this post is about relationship to myself and beyond. I have been hiding in fear of low men, scared of you, not because of you (beautiful men) but because of a few. I am sorry! I am sorry to myself – I require respect, love, admiration, your protection, and your wisdom. I love you. I am sweet on you and I am allowing myself to embody my truth – even at the risk of triggering some.
I was born to shine and to teach women how to trust their bodies, to believe in themselves, to feel confident in work and life and fulfilled knowing they’re rocking their lives!
There are times we need crutches and for 6 months I’ve needed mine. But these boots are made for walking and that’s just what they’ll do. I’m back!!! Another layer has been removed!
(If you’ve been through abuse and are ready to reclaim your power and define yourself take our free course 4- steps to overcoming abuse at http://divinelyyoufoundation.com)
Do you want to know what your 6 personal power zones are? Get the scoop atwww.AntiquaLisha.com