I AM – What great words, powerful in there meaning and essence – I AM. I am inspiration, hope, her to raise consciousness, love and transform as I am transformed. My intention in writing all of this is to possible inspire you to look at your life
, look at the places you might be saying “I am stuck,” “I am lost”, I am alone. All those places you like I was not matter how good you are, how hard you work you seem to fail again and again or walk into hurtful situations or relationships over and over again. I hope this blog give you courage to let go and let God burn these enemies to their dust. Because sometimes losing ourselves is winning.
This weekend I had a burn as many of you know and from it many new awakenings. I know, over the years I have asked these awareness’s asked to see how the puzzles pieces of my personal life fit together. Wondered…why??? But the truth is I had forgotten what I thought of myself. A belief that was so deep down and true that I no longer rec
ognized it – it simply was a commitment I had made to myself, never to lose again. It was not a bad thing, simply just not true or possible. EVERY aspect of my life has been to prove to myself and the world around me that I could have won, yet the truth of the matter God’s truth in the matter seemed to always follow me around, I lost – I was cut to the bone in pain and I didn’t know how or why.
Before I was 11 – I won nearly everything I put my mind too. I have always been an over achiever. I also felt that and the time of the event that would dictate the next 27 years of my life that I could have shown them, convened them to be nice, respectful, gentle, kind. I should been able to fight them off, my father and uncle had trained me to fight. On a deep level I have believed that I could have won with my wit or beauty or fight the battle that changed my life. I until now have been unable to stop the plight to prove and finally win, over and over again I have created events to prove I could have and over and over again I have been hurt, cut down, berated and left in pain. Looking back and knowing what I know of how we play a role in our own experiences, how our soul is committed to grow and how important it is to see our part in all of life, I can see how I have been recreating this event over and over again from different angles trying to win.
The fact is no matter if I knew better or could fight, there are a few battles that cannot be won and I could not have one. By no fault of my own, sometimes we walk into other peoples battles with the demons within them and those battles are for them, not us. I was caught in a cross fire of a group of men’s own battles and they could not see me and I could not have fought them, not even a grown man could have. This battle was not mine and maybe your battle is not yours to win either.
We are children of God, and we are in the hands of God. If it is His will I will no longer fight this battle and I can already feel myself TOTALLY anew. I have finally let go of needing to win, win them over, win the fight and/or succeed to ‘show them’ that they could not hold me down. The fact is they could, the fact is they did, but through this I have learned that I don’t need to stand on my own, actually I simply cannot (and I have tried). I see that God holds me up, His body and community of fabulous friends (you) hold me up and I receive that now.
God has shown me why. And my intention in writing all of this is to possible inspire you to look at your life and those places you may be stuck failing again and again or being hurt over and over again and let go of the need to win on your own because sometimes losing is winning.
My WHY? I now see, by God’s grace alone that they are blind and nothing I could or can do can make them see the real me, Gods creation. Much like they could not see Christ Himself those evil men and unjust women could not see.
For me this was a losing battle, not because I am a loser, but because this battle is not mine to win. NO matter how much I fight, prove, work, etc… It would not have changed a thing and it hasn’t no matter how I have tried. This is not my battle to win – it is Gods’ and I may have lost to those whom don’t see and it may have taken 27 years for me to stop fighting this battle and expecting to win.
Today however, I gladly accept defeat and walk away from this battle. I AM a winner – I always have been and sometimes you win by losing. Christ lost his life (in the eyes of the blind who don’t see) and gained it in the eyes of those of us who believed and we gained ours through His crucifixion.
Maybe you can relate to feeling the frustration and confusion I felt when I could not make them see my worth, my preciousness, my femininity, my child likeness, my need for protection. I could not fight them off, not with the knife and not with my words. They did not understand me, nor could they, they were/are deaf. They all saw what they saw and cut me with my own knife/words etc… they turned against me for reasons I will never know. They did not choose me to love or see my worth or value me as a person as precious, they where blind and nothing I could have done or could do is going to change that. I have been fighting a losing battle alone and no matter what I will never win – so I accept defeat, you all win, in this world, you can kill me here, turn my words into your knife, you have stabbed me, pushed me down, cut me to size and ripped me open. For 27 years I have been dead in you – beating myself from within the grave. I gladly lose this battle and I hope that you can admit defeat in your life too and be renewed in Christ. Those who try to save their own life will lose it; those who lose their life will save it. Matthew 10:39. Those who try to gain their own life will lose it; but those who lose their life for my sake will gain it. Luke 16:25.
My prayer for us all (say it with me) – God you are my redeemer, my savior, my Father, my mate. You are the only one with sight. Let your will be done. I am dead in this world. I deny it no more. Let me see your glory, fill me with your mercy, protect me with your holy blood. Thank you for protecting my Spirit, your Spirit within me. Thank you for my unending strength. I am a winner in YOU Lord – Let all see you in me! Be it your will.
XOXO, Antiqua – You are not alone – schedule time to ask God to deliver you from your enemies and refresh your soul anytime – the link to schedule is at the top of this page Talk to you soon.